You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
From Koptalk.com
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
FOWLER IS RED!!!!!!
Yo Mat Riders,
The prodigal son of Liverpool, Robert Bernard Fowler is back! The rest of the EPL can suck it!
Later,
Mat Love
The prodigal son of Liverpool, Robert Bernard Fowler is back! The rest of the EPL can suck it!
Later,
Mat Love
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
UK Complaint of the Year
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
Monday, January 16, 2006
Epidemic in Boston
On Sunday, January 15th 2006, a huge epidemic swept Boston by surprise. People were coughing, choking and in tears. There was a lot of confusion as people wandered around aimlessly looking for help and explanation. A group of experts from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) were called in to assess the situation.
Mr. Dick Short, who leads the team, said, “The country should not panic. This outbreak has been assessed and there is no danger to the rest of the country. Apparently this started on Saturday night when the Patriots choked and it should clear up by August when pre-season starts.”
Mat Love
Straight Times
Mr. Dick Short, who leads the team, said, “The country should not panic. This outbreak has been assessed and there is no danger to the rest of the country. Apparently this started on Saturday night when the Patriots choked and it should clear up by August when pre-season starts.”
Mat Love
Straight Times
Cocoa
Yo Mat Riders,
Long long time ago, Mat went to a plantation is Johor. Mat learn the how the make rubber from latex. Quite cool lah but that is not the coolest part. Mat got to try the Cocoa fruit.
Everyone has eaten chocolate but how many got to taste the fruit. The fruit damn power man. Imagine like a soursop but sweet. Alamak, now Mat miss soursop also.
Mat loves chocolate. Mat last time got chance to go to Belgium, chocolate heaven man. Neuhaus is the best. The hot chocolate is made from a block of pure chocolate that is melted. Yum!!!!!!!
Later,
Mat Love
Long long time ago, Mat went to a plantation is Johor. Mat learn the how the make rubber from latex. Quite cool lah but that is not the coolest part. Mat got to try the Cocoa fruit.
Everyone has eaten chocolate but how many got to taste the fruit. The fruit damn power man. Imagine like a soursop but sweet. Alamak, now Mat miss soursop also.
Mat loves chocolate. Mat last time got chance to go to Belgium, chocolate heaven man. Neuhaus is the best. The hot chocolate is made from a block of pure chocolate that is melted. Yum!!!!!!!
Later,
Mat Love
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Ski Mat
Yo Mat Riders,
Yesterday, Mat go ski with 100 plus boy and A-Ho. We go to Mount Sunapee in New Hampshire. Super near one, only 1 ½ hrs drive. Wednesday got best deal man, 2 for 1 special. Got only 3 of us right but we found another person there single also. Save money babe.
Ski conditions quite power. The sky cloudy so won’t get sunburn; quite warm, around 5 celcius. Not many people around and the snow very well packed. A-Ho comprain cos the snow too nicely packed for boarding. She quite pro man, got her own equipment, boots and board. 100 plus boy also pro skier. Mat is a 3 time veteran...hehehe… Kucing kurap but still need to look good man. So Mat got demo skis.
Only noon and we already run down almost all the trails man, sometimes twice. Wah super fast man. Mat cannot slow down man dunno why, no ABS. So we makan at the summit. There got small cafeteria. Alamak, food there terok man. Next time must ski in Japan, then can have sushi lunch…yum!
After lunch, the conditions worsen. Looked like macam nak rain, become super cloudy, cannot see past 3-4meters. So we skied another 2-3hrs and then balik kampong. On the last run, we tried double diamond. Wooooohoooooo. Shiok man.
Later,
Mat
Yesterday, Mat go ski with 100 plus boy and A-Ho. We go to Mount Sunapee in New Hampshire. Super near one, only 1 ½ hrs drive. Wednesday got best deal man, 2 for 1 special. Got only 3 of us right but we found another person there single also. Save money babe.
Ski conditions quite power. The sky cloudy so won’t get sunburn; quite warm, around 5 celcius. Not many people around and the snow very well packed. A-Ho comprain cos the snow too nicely packed for boarding. She quite pro man, got her own equipment, boots and board. 100 plus boy also pro skier. Mat is a 3 time veteran...hehehe… Kucing kurap but still need to look good man. So Mat got demo skis.
Only noon and we already run down almost all the trails man, sometimes twice. Wah super fast man. Mat cannot slow down man dunno why, no ABS. So we makan at the summit. There got small cafeteria. Alamak, food there terok man. Next time must ski in Japan, then can have sushi lunch…yum!
After lunch, the conditions worsen. Looked like macam nak rain, become super cloudy, cannot see past 3-4meters. So we skied another 2-3hrs and then balik kampong. On the last run, we tried double diamond. Wooooohoooooo. Shiok man.
Later,
Mat
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Quote of the day
"All women are the same colour when the candle goes out" Mani, Brotherhood of the Wolf
Friday, January 06, 2006
Nobel Prize
Yo Mat Riders,
Mat and Agent Black are combining powers to attempt to be the first Singaporeans to win the Nobel Prize. After years of extreme research and experiments, here's Mat's and Agent Black's conclusion.
Agent Black's Law of Motion
The angle of dangle is proportional to the thrust of the bust provided the mass of the ass is constant.
Mat's Law
The taste of the paste is affected by the heat of the meat provided the pussy is juicy.
Together we will do Singapore proud!
Later,
Mat Love
Mat and Agent Black are combining powers to attempt to be the first Singaporeans to win the Nobel Prize. After years of extreme research and experiments, here's Mat's and Agent Black's conclusion.
Agent Black's Law of Motion
The angle of dangle is proportional to the thrust of the bust provided the mass of the ass is constant.
Mat's Law
The taste of the paste is affected by the heat of the meat provided the pussy is juicy.
Together we will do Singapore proud!
Later,
Mat Love
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Woman fined $2000 for insulting words
A woman was fined $2000 for using “insulting” words on a neighbor by the court. Miss Chan Stoo Peed, a teacher, apparently used the words “masturbation expert” within earshot of her neighbor. She claims that the words were not intended for her neighbor, Miss Teo and that Miss Teo was eavesdropping on her private conversation with her father.
The Straight Times managed to contact Mr Pa Chew Cheng, the real masturbation expert who holds the world record for 50 orgasms an hour, for his analysis. He said,”Basket! This name has been copyrighted and trademarked already man. I worked hard and earned the title man. This is the biggest compliment that anyone can ever give me. I must sue these buggers!”
Mat Love,
Straight Times
The Straight Times managed to contact Mr Pa Chew Cheng, the real masturbation expert who holds the world record for 50 orgasms an hour, for his analysis. He said,”Basket! This name has been copyrighted and trademarked already man. I worked hard and earned the title man. This is the biggest compliment that anyone can ever give me. I must sue these buggers!”
Mat Love,
Straight Times
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